Five years. I’ve been writing for VGJunk for five years now. “I’ll write about video games. It’ll be fun,” I thought then. It was fun, even if sometimes watching Imagine Doctors or *NSYNC: Get to the Show reminded me of the ultimate futility of human existence. But today couldn’t be more unpleasant. As always, as a treat to myself on VGJunk’s birthday, I want to write about the games I love. Last year was the ultra-brutal murdertainment classic Smash TV, but today I’m returning to my biggest and deepest love: Capcom fighting games. So VGJunk’s 5th Anniversary Special is about the 1991 arcade brawler Captain Commando.

The Captain Commando logo is boring, so I’ll leave it there for a while.
So Captain Commando – Capcom’s sequel to the hugely successful and genre-defining Final Fight, and I would argue it’s the closest thing to a sequel to the arcade version of Final Fight. The two games play very similarly, and I’ve seen a few sources say Captain Commando is set in Metro City in 2026. If that’s the case, Mike Haggar must have given up his mayoral seat because a new crime syndicate has emerged. If the Justice Mayor was still hanging his head in the corridors of power, I don’t think they’d be stupid enough to do something like that. Instead, the responsibility of defending the highest crime rate outside of Professor Moriarty’s to-do list falls on the heroic Captain Commando and his fellow commandos. Let’s get to know them now!

Strong body, sharp mind, hair made of wind tunnels, that’s Captain Commando himself. I would call him the most average character in the game, but the other playable characters differ greatly from him in terms of stats, and in a normal fist fight list with an average guy, a fast but weak guy, and a strong but slow one are ignored in favor of the equally powerful four commandos. Of course, Captain Commando is no ordinary person. He is a tireless warrior for justice, a nemesis of evil, and a wannabe puppy savior who fights crime with a Captain Gauntlet that generates fire and electricity. He wears a Captain Protector on his chest and uses Captain Goggles to keep an eye on the villains. Does he call his boots “Captain Boots”? You can bet on that. Captain Boots is also a great name for a kitty.
His occupation is listed as “unknown”, which is strange since he’s a commando. “Command” is a job, right? Maybe he’s trying to keep his other job as a mascot for Capcom’s advertising a secret.

Ninja Ginzu is a ninja. He’s a very good video game ninja, but he’s still “just” a ninja, which makes him the least interesting character of the four. It’s not his fault, it’s just that the level of competition is so much higher. In the Japanese version of the game he’s called Sho, but overseas I think it was changed to Ginzu after the famous knife brand Ginsu. You know, the sharp blades and stuff. His bio states he can cut opponents in half with one swing of his sword. He can do that, but doesn’t do it. And yet he has to attack multiple times, which somehow makes it feel like Gins is just doing extra work. And to strengthen the connection to Final Fight, Captain Commando’s arcade flyer claims that Gins is a master of Bushinryu style ninjutsu, just like Guy in Final Fight.

Why do they call you Knife Macky? Oh, about the knife, I see. In the Japanese version of the game, it was originally named Geneti, but in this version it’s named after a show song, which is fine by me. No word on whether Mack agrees, since he’s the most mysterious member of the team – an alien mummy from outer space. See, Gins, that’s why you’re at the bottom of the commando team pecking order. Mack’s husk is actually a “genetic relatedness” he needs to stay alive on Earth, and his knife is apparently a special weapon that can “melt all matter.” As far as I can tell, his hat is just a regular hat. He got it from Captain Commando. But yes, it’s called Captain Cap.

Last but not least, the least of us who can fire rockets from our knees – is Baby Head, aka Hoover. Baby Head overcomes the handicap of being a young kid who would normally have to stay away from gang business unless his parents are a) very pushy or b) Batman, by donning a robotic combat suit with extendable arms and the aforementioned rockets on his knees. Baby Head is a genius baby, so he built his own robotic suit too. He’s not genius enough to add some kind of protective cockpit to his robot suit, but maybe he relies on his enemies’ hesitation to attack babies to protect himself.

The villain of this piece is an evil overlord who likes to mess with DNA. His name is Sukumocide or Genocide in the Japanese version. Genocide is a much scarier name. “Filth” sounds like I should either thoroughly clean the toilet or kill all the filth, but that’s my job. It’s not about cleaning toilets, it’s about killing scum. I think it’s better to keep doing it. Killing scum. Yes.

We knew this city was plagued by crime, but this bad boy smokes? This is intolerable, even for a simple gangster. Doesn’t he know that this behavior is not only damaging his own health, but also the health of those around him? It’s just disrespectful and that’s what it is. And it’s up to Captain Commando to teach this young man some manners using his own version of extreme electroshock therapy.

Ground Breaking Attack is a strange title for Captain Commando’s “Special Move”, an attack that cannot kill even the weakest soldier in one hit. Considering this and Gins’ unfounded claim that he can slice through anything, I think his Commando comrades inaccurately exaggerate their history. Once Baby Head turns out to be a regular baby and not a genius baby, he’ll have to be officially charged.

The Special Move is, of course, a regular bludgeoning special attack that is activated by pressing jump and attack at the same time. It blows away all nearby enemies and causes the player to lose some of their health. As a game that is a direct descendant of Final Fight, it’s not surprising that Captain Commando uses the same combat system. There’s an attack button, and hitting an enemy repeatedly will result in short combos. We’ve already covered special attacks, which allow you to run towards an enemy and grab them, then either hit them a few times or slam them into the ground. Captain Commando’s main addition to this familiar formula is the inclusion of a dash move: tapping the joystick twice left or right will make your character run and perform a running attack (a running stomp in Captain Commando’s case) or a jumping attack. While running, Captain Commando’s running jump attack is, you guessed it, a wrist-mounted flamethrower called Captain Fire, which is the inspiration for the special attack of the same name in the Marvel vs. Capcom game. It’s all very intuitive, and the first few screens show you exactly the thug-swatting action you’d expect:

Then suddenly I’m stealing a robot from one of the weird little guys in yellow hoods and using his big air fists to defeat Dorg, the first-level boss. I didn’t skip anything either — the level is a few easy screens patrolled by a few generic grunts to help you get in, then you’re stomping around the area with a precursor to Mega Man X’s Ride Armor and attempting to thwart a bank robbery.

We knew this city was plagued by crime, but this bad boy smokes? This is intolerable, even for a simple gangster. Doesn’t he know that this behavior is not only damaging his own health, but also the health of those around him? It’s just disrespectful and that’s what it is. And it’s up to Captain Commando to teach this young man some manners using his own version of extreme electroshock therapy.

Ground Breaking Attack is a strange title for Captain Commando’s “Special Move”, an attack that cannot kill even the weakest soldier in one hit. Considering this and Gins’ unfounded claim that he can slice through anything, I think his Commando comrades inaccurately exaggerate their history. Once Baby Head turns out to be a regular baby and not a genius baby, he’ll have to be officially charged.

The Special Move is, of course, a regular bludgeoning special attack that is activated by pressing jump and attack at the same time. It blows away all nearby enemies and causes the player to lose some of their health. As a game that is a direct descendant of Final Fight, it’s not surprising that Captain Commando uses the same combat system. There’s an attack button, and hitting an enemy repeatedly will result in short combos. We’ve already covered special attacks, which allow you to run towards an enemy and grab them, then either hit them a few times or slam them into the ground. Captain Commando’s main addition to this familiar formula is the inclusion of a dash move: tapping the joystick twice left or right will make your character run and perform a running attack (a running stomp in Captain Commando’s case) or a jumping attack. While running, Captain Commando’s running jump attack is, you guessed it, a wrist-mounted flamethrower called Captain Fire, which is the inspiration for the special attack of the same name in the Marvel vs. Capcom game. It’s all very intuitive, and the first few screens show you exactly the thug-swatting action you’d expect:

Then suddenly I’m stealing a robot from one of the weird little guys in yellow hoods and using his big air fists to defeat Dorg, the first-level boss. I didn’t skip anything either — the level is a few easy screens patrolled by a few generic grunts to help you get in, then you’re stomping around the area with a precursor to Mega Man X’s Ride Armor and attempting to thwart a bank robbery.

The boss is Strom Jr., an amphibious harpooner who looks like he failed an audition for a villain in Captain Planet. Maybe he was meant to represent, I dunno, the twin evils of water pollution and harpoon fishing? Anyway, Strom Jr. fights by firing waves of harpoons at the player and then flying away. You can harpoon him from the air, but the whole experience is still a little unsettling, feeling more like chasing a boss in a game of playground tag than playing a field battle, and the fact that he’s Strom Jr. hints at the following: I’ll have to fight Strom Sr. at some point, but thinking about a color-palette-swapped version of that match doesn’t exactly get my heart pumping.

The next floor is the ninja mansion, where all the ninjas live together, making chore rosters and arguing about who drank Fuma’s milk in the fridge, even though it clearly had the family seal on it. But there are no ninjas here, just a tall woman with a sideshow bob haircut, Mardia, plus a bunch of troops I’d defeated before.
Since this is a ninja mansion, I figured that for this level I could switch to Gins and test my mastery of the dark arts of assassination against similarly trained peers.

Then he picked up his gun and shot the samurai in the face. Good luck Gins. Joe Musashi would be proud. No, wait, I’m not proud, I’m scared. At least you can’t shoot an enemy with a pistol in broad daylight. This must be a grave insult to your clan’s honor, falling somewhere between “give information under torture” and “betray the master who hired you” on the “you have disgraced your ancestors” table.

Gins fights real ninjas in this level, and can attack using the traditional method of ninja combat, throwing comically oversized shuriken. I think a pistol would have been better.

Kabuki Theatre reaches new depths of violence in a boss fight against Yamato and his giant spear. Things weren’t going so well for Gins. I hadn’t suffered such violence from a tabard-wearing person since I was caught by the school cook trying to steal some extra custard. The problem is Yamato’s massive weaponry. Hai-hai – attacking him head-on is suicidal, as the spear’s range is so long and any attack from that direction will go down instantly. Instead, I should wait for the right moment and try to get close to Yamato’s side, but this is easier said than done, as Yamato is constantly spawning minions to get in the way. I didn’t expect him to allow me to stab him, but hey, a little one-on-one fight between two followers of a noble martial art doesn’t really ask for too much, does it?

Fun for the whole family. A chaotic procession of clowns and abused animals, the thrill of the big top, the upset stomach caused by eating carnival food, yes, it’s a circus. Metro City has a circus now. The current administration is definitely going soft, Mike Haggar would never have let such a bad element into his city. The Ninja House surely wouldn’t be happy either, because local real estate prices aren’t going to be better with a circus next door.

I switched to the mechanical dwarf Baby Head in this level. He’s the only commando ever deployed, and seems to be getting used to it just fine, hypnotizing one of the Skumoside infantrymen with his ray gun before firing a knee missile at him. I could have just punched the guy to death, but hey, knee rocket. I was worried that exposing such delicate young minds to the unspeakable horrors of the circus would leave deep psychological scars, but so far it seems entirely harmless and clown-free.

Oh. So, you see, Baby Head is a baby genius, right? So I’m sure he has the mental strength necessary to deal with the consequences of this massacre. The anguished screams of the burnt victims and the stench of burnt flesh that can never escape the robotic battle suit no matter how hard you scrub will likely never haunt Baby Head for the rest of his life. Good luck to you, ladies and gentlemen at the circus!

And if you think I’m letting my personal issues with the circus cloud my opinion of Captain Commando’s fourth level, I think this door shows Capcom’s cooperation when it comes to understanding the clown plague.

The Circus boss is not a mutated fighting clown (fortunately). Instead, it’s just a regular mutant monster. His name is Monster. Normally I’d complain about the lack of creativity in naming this thing, but since we’ve only just come out of our containment pods, I’ll give the monster’s mad scientist a pass for not being able to come up with a scarier name.

A much more interesting fight than the previous two. The monster is a formidable opponent while not being frustratingly cheesy, and it’s always nice to fight a boss that, if not your equal, at least doesn’t seem to look at the player with complete contempt. He may look like he’s made of cactus, but the Monster has the heart of a warrior and an admirable appreciation for the essential elements of martial arts, expertly incorporating drums into his fighting style. You didn’t think we could get through this entire article without mentioning drums, did you?

Everything about this level reminds me a bit of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, with our heroes riding motorized surfboards and chasing the scientist who created the monsters across the open sea. The game doesn’t actually say “Cowabunga,” but you know you want it. This is more of a bonus round than a full-fledged level, and the focus shifts from dispatching surfing ninjas with one hit and surviving hordes of enemies to throwing as many ninjas into the water as possible to rack up a respectable score. This task is made easier by a regular supply of weapons, which make Captain Commando perhaps the only game in which you can gun down ninjas with an M16 as a genius baby in a robot suit.

You’ve caught up with the mad scientist. His name is Dr. T.W., which is probably short for Doctor Time Waster. You feel like you’ve wasted your time chasing him into the sewers and kicking his speedboat a few times. Well, that’s a bit unfair. The surfing phase is a nice diversion, allowing you to take a fun break mid-game to refresh your mental palate and prepare for further acts of mayhem.

Before we exit this level, take another look at the screenshot above. Notice that Babyhead’s robo-suit has a collar painted on the front. The boy probably likes to look smart.

Here at the Aquarium, Captain Commando settles into a fun little groove of brawler action. There are many different types of enemies attacking from all directions, each one requiring careful attention. You can hit bigger, stronger foes without taking them down with long-range attacks. With smooth controls and the multi-hit nature of fast attacks, the main juggling act of combat means keeping all your foes together by punching them around the screen or tossing them around each other to avoid being surrounded. – It’s one nifty, fast and fun experience. It just can’t keep up with Alien Vs. It’s a game of Predator for fluidity of presentation and Dungeons & Dragons for depth, but the action is still very enjoyable for the most part, and any shortcomings are made up for by the strangeness of the setting. Look at the background, for example. What are they doing with this whale? The whale of all things? I know Skullmoside is into genetics, and sure, this is a killer whale, but I can’t imagine they could glean much from a whale’s DNA that would help create an unstoppable race of warriors or anything. Perhaps Scumocide completely misunderstood what SEAL Team was, as can be seen in the screenshot above: this is the result of a Xenomorph infestation in a world populated only by speed skaters.

Look, it’s Schtrom Senpai. Heck, he’s just like Schtrom Jr., only purple in color. He brought in another relative named Druk, because I actually wanted to fight two of the less imaginative previous bosses at the same time. Capcom didn’t even bother to update the portrait images for Schtrom and Druk to reflect their new, more relaxed color schemes, but that was lazy of them, and therefore suited this laziest of boss fights well.

The underground base is now a creepy cavern with transparent passageways, secret experiments (presumably on other large marine mammals), and rocket launchers. There are enough rocket launchers for anyone to experience the fun of a rocket-fueled terrorist militia without the crazy religious fundamentalism. There are rocket launchers for the bad guys, rocket launchers all over the floor, and even enough rocket launchers left for Gins to use across the entire stage. Gins isn’t much of a ninja, is he? I’m beginning to suspect he only got into ninja work because he’s skinny in his black robes.

There are no rocket launchers here, just a conveyor belt running through what should be here, including Scumocides Play-Doh Squeezy-Shape Minion Maker. I’ve played Captain Commando many times before, but I never noticed until now that the enemies being built in the background are big-time samurai goofballs. It’s the boxy arm guards that give it away. I mean, I thought that meant the samurai fighting here were just coming up off the line, but they already had arrows in their backs, so maybe that’s part of the design too? No, that’s not correct. Let me speak to the factory manager, we’ll get that sorted out right away.

Ok, I know this is an informal meeting, but I didn’t expect such an advance against me. There doesn’t seem to be much there either, at least not enough to trigger this rather vulgar display: “Oh sorry, is your desk too small? Buy me a bigger desk, you weirdo. Your headquarters is not going to like it if you greet potential customers with a sophisticated amusement area like Action Man. We’re going to discuss that now, aren’t we?”

Here we are aboard the space shuttle in question, where Captain Commando’s later levels have settled comfortably into a pattern of unleashing a multitude of bad guys on you, often in waves of the same type. As ever, combat revolves mostly around herding enemies into herds, which is easier said than done, as they’re a sort of metaphorical herd of cats, albeit very ferocious cats with rocket launchers on their shoulders. There’s definitely a greater emphasis on picking up and using weapons in the later areas of the game, but I’m not sure how I feel about that. To be honest, using the weapons is a lot of fun, but it can feel like the striking part of the striking formula is being pushed aside.

The space shuttle is guarded by Doppel, a fat guy in a very unattractive green suit who has the power to transform into one or more members of the commando team. It’s a deadly battle against your greatest enemy – yourself! But this very mundane video game power has always seemed very stupid to me, because if there is anyone the fighter knows exactly what are his weaknesses and shortcomings, it is himself, and if the doppel simply takes on the appearance of his opponent, that’s even more stupid. You could have been Batman or something! In fact, in this situation, you would have to transform into your opponent’s mother. Who could punch their mother? That’s right.

Doppel is defeated and the space shuttle reaches its final destination, and Captain Commando’s final destination, Callisto, Jupiter’s fourth moon and a rich, oxygen-rich lunar habitat. Here, Captain Commando hits a guy over the head with a comedy hammer. This game is really weird. But it’s all played completely seriously, and that’s my favorite part about it. Not that this is all intended to be sarcastic. We’re meant to take it at face value that an alien mummy and a child genius are Earth’s strongest defenders… and I do wholeheartedly.

It’s Dolg again. Hello Dolg. Thankfully, this isn’t the start of a boring boss rush – Captain Commando feels pretty long for a beat’em up anyway, and doesn’t need any filler – but you’ll need to get both Dolg Redux and the Portrait to get to Scumocide. I think that’s why Jesus has a strange look on his face; Christ the Savior isn’t angry at Captain Commando, he’s just disappointed. The rest of the background doesn’t make much sense either. Has my adventure become merely after-dinner entertainment for a race of similarly muscle-bound aristocrats? Look how tiny the martini glass looks in the big man’s hand. Can you buy him a mug or something?

Just behind the painting of Jesus, which was actually a door all along, awaits the final battle with the powerful and ruthless Scumocide, master of Callisto and someone who really gets on my nerves. You’ll notice that Captain Commando is on fire in this screenshot, as in every screenshot I’ve taken of this fight, at least the ones where he’s not encased in ice. As you know, Scumocide’s main move – actually his only move – is to launch a very powerful fire/ice ball from his hand before flying across the screen and hovering out of range of his attacks. This is not a fun experience, it’s a tedious chore that has little to do with the gameplay of the rest of the game. Scumocide reminds me of a prototype version of Gill from Street Fighter III, but fighting Gill is also pretty tedious. It feels more like a fight with a moving turret than a boss fight, but with enough running jump attacks I was eventually able to whittle down Skumoside’s health until I defeated him.

The game ends with a press conference, which could be Mike Haggar if the game is set in Metro City. He looks like he has a former wrestler and vigilante mustache and incredibly broad shoulders. This sprite lacks the details I need to say with confidence that this is Haggar, but as a special treat to myself, I’m going to pretend that this is definitely Haggar. Well, it’s my birthday article, so I’m going to treat myself.

Oh, you put the game’s plot at the end, didn’t you, Capcom? Clever, which means if you want to know what’s going on you need to play to the end. That way the coins should keep flowing!
After the world is declared safe, Mayor Maeby Hagger turns to the screen behind him and asks, “Hey… who the hell are you?”

Of course, Captain Commando – Capcom’s mascot, half-forgotten arcade star, and one of my favourite characters from Marvel Vs. Capcom. In the screenshot above, he’s not blowing kisses to the audience. This just shows how his lip animation looked at the time. Oh, okay, if you want, you can pretend Captain Commando is kissing you. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

As the credits rolled and Commando Chums performed his moves, I found myself thinking about one of my favorite gaming experiences, while not perfect. My biggest issues with the game are the disappointing boss fights and the occasional over-reliance on weapon use, but it doesn’t take away from the overall fun factor of the game. The flashy action never gets boring, thanks to the excellent controls and great cast of characters. Capcom’s graphical talents are on full display here; it’s beautifully animated in detail and a real pleasure to watch. It’s video game Soul Club, the arcade version of cheese toast. It may not be the most balanced and complete meal, but it puts you in a warm mood and pairs well with a nice cup of tea. Give Captain Commando a try; you’ll enjoy it. I know.

That wraps up this year’s birthday posts. It was a lot of fun. For me, that is. Maybe not so much for you. Anyway, I’m always grateful to all my VGJunk readers, and I hope you’ll stick with me as I struggle for another five years. Five years! I still haven’t recovered.