Contra is a very easy series to understand: two muscle guys pick up a gun, shoot some aliens, and then maybe go home and party with their girls and friends.

While the core concept is easy to understand, Contra is a 30-year-spanning series, full of alien ass-smacking. There’s more story here than you’d expect, and it all starts in the year 2633.

Let’s take a look at the Contra timeline.

2633: Contra

In the beginning, there were two strong guys, Bill Reiser and Lance Bean, but they had no intention of replacing Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sly Stallone. They were Contra warriors, a title given to the most outstanding people by the Earth Federation government.

A terrorist group called the Red Falcons attacked, and Bill and Lance were sent to neutralize them. But the Red Falcons weren’t just a terrorist group. They were actually an alien terrorist group, and it was even worse. After multiple gunfights, our plucky heroes killed Red Falcon’s leader, Emperor Demon Dragon God Jawa (that’s the stupidest, most terrifying villain name ever).

2634: Super C

A year later, the aliens are back and have taken over the military base. With nothing else to do, Bill and Lance are sent out again to save the day. They gun down tons of alien soldiers, then kill the new leader, Emperor Demon Gava (not to be confused with Emperor Demon Dragon God Jawa).

Then they probably went home to sip mimosas and hang out with supermodels.

2635: Operation C

The government’s munitions budget must have only been for one soldier, because nothing more was sent. It’s unclear who is actually on this mission, but it could be Bill, Lance, or one of two people named Mad Dog and Scorpion, who are firing the guns.

Either way, our lone soldier faces off against another terrorist group with an alien cell that needs to be destroyed. This cell is actually an alien calling itself Black Viper, and was Emperor Demon Gava’s sister, so perhaps the hostility arose over the murder of her brother. She is blown away, the situation is saved again, and the Earth Federation government probably only had to send one person this time, saving them funds.

2636: Contra III: The Alien Wars

Bill and Lance (Jimbo and Sally in the Western version) are sent to deal with the return of the Red Falcon forces who have launched a massive attack on Earth. They were no joke this time, as they even managed to blow up an entire city like it was Independence Day.

The two Dudebros make it to the alien nest, where Emperor Daemon Gava is somehow alive and in power again. After a lengthy battle with several Gavaforms of the shapeshifter, the two manage to defeat the leader of the Red Falcons, destroy the alien nest, and escape in a helicopter.

2636: Contra 4

The action takes place six months after Contra III: The Alien Wars. Black Viper has returned, as has her brother Gava. She has also settled in the Garga Islands, the original setting of the first Contra game.

Bill and Lance, presumably tired of all this alien stuff, are called out of work to shoot some more bad guys. They are joined by two other Contra soldiers, as well as the aforementioned Mad Dog and Scorpion (who were somehow involved in Operation C).

The four guys slaughter one alien baddie after another until they reach Black Viper at the edge of the archipelago. She then transformed into a giant monster version of herself, but that didn’t really mean anything, as she went up against four Contra soldiers this time and was still fatally killed.

2638: Contra: Rogue Corps

This is the new Contra game coming out this year, so I’m not sure how it relates to the plot. All we know is that it takes place after the alien war and a panda was taught to shoot a minigun. So that’s canon now.

2641: Contra: Hard Corps

A rogue military group has kidnapped some alien cells from a research base. So a new group of heroes was sent after them, called the Contra-Hard Corps. This troupe consisted of Ray Powered, Sheena Etrangi, Blood Fang, and Brownie.

It’s important to note that Brownie is a small robot that can levitate, while Blood Fang is a genetically engineered werewolf super soldier with a minigun for an arm (the panda makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it?).

The villains were led by Colonel Bahamut, a former war hero from decades ago. He was now estranged from the Earth government, and wanted to use the alien cells to create a weapon to overthrow the world’s leaders. Ray and the gang set out to thwart his evil plans.

2642-2647: Contra: Shattered Soldier

In the year 2647, a new enemy force called the Blood Falcons has emerged (what is it with these groups and their fascination with falcons?). Just when you think they’re going to call Bill and Lance again, it turns out that Bill went rogue five years ago and killed Lance, detonating a magnetic superweapon that wiped out 80% of the Earth’s population. For that crime, he was subsequently put in cryogenic prison for 10,000 years (a bit of an exaggeration, I think).

However, Earth was short on tough people, so the government was forced to release Earth from cryogenics to solve the problem. He was joined by Lucia, a genetically engineered cyborg super soldier who was there to watch over him.

When the two arrive at the Blood Falcons’ headquarters, they discover that the leader is none other than good old Lance Bean. Lance survived an assassination attempt by implanting an alien embryo into himself, and has sworn revenge on the Earth government. Bill and Lance have a final showdown, but unfortunately, Lance is screwed in the end.

At this point, the canonical Contra timeline starts to go completely haywire.

See, with his dying breaths, Lance reveals that Bill was framed by the government itself, both in Lance’s murder and the superweapon incident.

It turns out that the aliens didn’t attack Earth because they wanted to conquer it, but were actually a defense mechanism left behind by an ancient race called the Moirai. They had programmed the Red Falcon aliens (including the fetus inside Lance) to attack anyone who stole their relic, which holds unimaginable powers. And as if things weren’t crazy enough, this relic was kept in the Temple of Jupiter.

The relic became the property of a group called the Triumvirate, consisting of three old men who control Earth’s government. And they fooled everyone into thinking the aliens were just an invading army looking to cause trouble. However, Lance discovered their plot and tried to kill Lance for knowing their secret. They detonated the superweapon to take over the Earth government and put all the blame on Bill.

Of course, Bill was a bit upset about this. He and Lucia arrived at the Triumvirate but it was too late, as the triumvirate’s plan to use the relic to become gods had just come to fruition. Of course, they got the typical punishment for villains, as the relic basically evaporated them instead.

The relic then turned into a series of monsters for Bill to shoot, which he did. The relic was destroyed, the aliens were no longer hostile, the Earth was saved, and Bill just needed a few more years of tequila shots and bench presses to catch up.